When it comes to sharp wit and biting sarcasm, few British comedies can compete with Blackadder. Spanning four series from 1983 to 1989, from the medieval era to the trenches of World War I the show gave us Rowan Atkinson’s brilliantly cynical Edmund Blackadder, Tony Robinson’s dimwitted Baldrick, and a host of eccentric supporting characters.
Blackadder’s Best Insults and Comebacks
- “I have a cunning plan.” (Baldrick, but Blackadder always tears it apart)
- “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Percy?”
- “Your brain, for example, is so minute that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.”
- “Baldrick, your head is as empty as a hermit’s address book.”
- “Percy, you are the worst kind of fool: a half-witted one.”
- “Baldrick, you wouldn’t recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsichord singing ‘subtle plans are here again!’”
- “He’s madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year’s Mr. Madman competition.”
- “You really are as thick as a whale omelette.”
- “Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it dressed up as a nun and beat you with a frying pan.”
- “Percy, if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your hat off.”
Baldrick’s Famous “Cunning Plans”
- “I have a cunning plan.”
- “I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.”
- “I’ve got a plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox with a degree in cunning from Oxford University.”
- “I have a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.”
- “Don’t worry, I’ve got another cunning plan.”
Prince George’s (Hugh Laurie) Hilarious Nonsense
- “Tally-ho, Blackadder! What a jolly day!”
- “I charge across the battlefield, leap upon the enemy commander, and shout, ‘Ha! Eat knickers!’”
- “I may be as thick as a whale sandwich, but I like to do my bit.”
- “I’m as firm as a man who’s just been to the gym for a whole year!”
- “That’s the spirit! If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”
Lord Melchett’s Eccentric Lines
- “Baaah!” (his trademark outburst)
- “If nothing else works, a total pig-headed refusal to look facts in the face will see us through.”
- “Filthy piece of toe-rag!”
- “Yes, yes, yes, yes… NO!”
- “A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I’d mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn.”
Classic Blackadder Sarcasm
- “Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.”
- “The prince’s brain is like a nugget of purest green.”
- “I think the phrase rhymes with ‘clucking bell.’”
- “The chances of you having a plan are thinner than a paper in a rainstorm.”
- “Give the likes of you enough rope, and you’ll still manage to hang yourself upside down.”
Blackadder’s Dark War Humour (Series 4)
- “We’re in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.”
- “Baldrick, you wouldn’t recognize irony if it danced naked in front of you with a sign saying ‘I am irony.’”
- “Don’t forget, Baldrick, that the war started because of the murder of Archduke Ferdinand.”
Baldrick: “I thought it was because of a sausage.” - “The guns are getting nearer.”
George: “Sound carries, sir.” - “Baldrick, the day you have a sensible plan is the day pigs sprout wings and fly off to join the RAF.”
- “Baldrick, you wouldn’t spot a plan if it painted itself purple and danced on the harpsichord.”
- “Life without you, Baldrick, is like a broken pencil: pointless.”
- “History is like a giant, boring warning sign.”
- “Baldrick, I think I’d rather have a job wiping the bottoms of lepers.”
- “If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.”
Spirit of Blackadder
- “Your brain’s so minute, Baldrick, it would make a flea look like a giant.”
- “The problem with history is that it’s just one thing after another.”
- “Baldrick, you have the intellectual capacity of a walnut.”
- “You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
- “Baldrick, you look like a man who’s been beaten with a stick… and the stick lost.”
- “I have no desire to hang around with you and your personal collection of brain-dead sheep.”
- “Baldrick, I think you are the worst cook in the entire world. Even rats commit suicide when they hear your soup is being made.”
- “History laughs at us all eventually.”
- “I have a plan that’s so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a ferret.”
- “Baldrick, your plan makes about as much sense as a chocolate teapot in a sauna.”
Blackadder remains a comedy masterpiece because of its razor-sharp writing, brilliantly delivered insults, and timeless humour.
