Theo Von is one of the most unique voices in comedy today. Known for his hilarious storytelling, quick wit, and ability to turn the weirdest life experiences into punchlines, Theo has built a reputation as the king of offbeat humor. Whether on his podcast This Past Weekend, during stand-up, or in interviews, his quotes are pure gold, sometimes motivational, sometimes bizarre, but always memorable.
- “I didn’t grow up rich. We had the kind of money where if I lost a tooth, we couldn’t afford to put it under the pillow.”
- “Life’s about learning when to wrestle a man and when to hold his hand.”
- “I think life is like a pinata—you just gotta keep swinging until candy falls out.”
- “My childhood was basically a game of survival, but with more Capri Suns.”
- “Every family has a cousin that can’t read too good. That’s just part of the deal.”
- “Happiness is when your car starts in the winter.”
- “Some people are just porch-sitters. That’s their whole dream in life—just to sit on a porch and judge traffic.”
- “Dating is like fishing. Except sometimes you catch a boot, and sometimes the boot moves into your apartment.”
- “I once dated a girl who had two cats. I don’t know who won the breakup, but I know she didn’t have to split custody of the cats.”
- “People are wild, man. I’ve met dudes who look like they work at a gas station but turn out to be geniuses. And I’ve met geniuses who couldn’t work at a gas station.”
- “My uncle always said: Never trust a man in flip-flops who drives a Cadillac.”
- “You know someone’s real when they still got a landline.”
- “Comedy is just telling the truth, but with a mullet.”
- “I can’t make up jokes as good as the ones life has already played on me.”
- “A good story doesn’t need to be true—it just needs to be told confidently.”
- “Most of my comedy is just therapy with an audience that didn’t ask for it.”
- “I didn’t choose comedy. Comedy found me, sitting in a Taco Bell parking lot.”
- “If you can make somebody laugh, you’ve already given them a gift.”
- “I once had a pet squirrel named Ricky. He didn’t do much, but he was family.”
- “Sometimes you don’t need motivation—you just need a biscuit and a nap.”
- “The best advice I ever got was: Don’t take advice from a guy named Dennis.”
- “I think confidence is just being okay with looking dumb and still going for it.”
- “You can tell how successful a man is by how much beef jerky he carries on him.”
- “When life gets tough, just remember there’s probably a raccoon out there doing worse than you.”
- “Every day is a chance to do something stupid and laugh about it later.”
- “I once got mugged by a guy on a bicycle. He rode off so slow, I had time to think about what I’d done wrong.”
- “I grew up in Louisiana where the mosquitoes had side hustles.”
- “One time my mom grounded me, so I grounded her back. It didn’t work.”
- “You ever meet somebody who looks like they sleep standing up? That’s my cousin.”
- “If life gives you lemons, you probably live near a lemonade stand.”
Theo Von is a master of turning the strangest everyday moments into laugh-out-loud wisdom. His quotes remind us not to take life too seriously.
